Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I'm SOOO Mad...!

And upset *crying here*.  Monday night whilst hubby was in Facebook playing a damn game, the computer (MY computer) up & crashed.  He said, "...the overhead lamp light suddenly brightened to nova-strength and the computer went black and shut down".  When he tried to manually reboot it, nada, not even a flicker.  So, he stayed home from work yesterday trying his darndest to "repair it" (he's a "shadetree" computer discombobulator hee-hee) but all to no avail.  He did get an old desktop PC we've had here for a long time (mainly for the girls) back to running but OMG, it's soooo slow and worst of all, I cannot install my Paint Shop Pro NOR my Incredimail into it.  I feel so lost and sooo sad (did I mention MAD??).  Now I'm wondering the following....what kind of bad karma did I send out recently to bring this upon myself?  Is it "coincidental" that my best friend forever (and online sister - and did I mention witch hee-hee?) had almost exactly the same thing happen to HER last week while SHE was playing one of those damn FB games??  She managed to be able to reformat her computer and I'm very happy for her (thank Goddess!) but now I'm asking Goddess...."what about ME?"  So for any of my "followers" out there, do NOT play those freaking FB games or else you might wind up with a burned up and shredded computer too.

On another note and decidedly happier, the granddaughter is here all this week.  She's on Fall break from school.  Seven (7) years old....oh, what a delightful age to be!  Times I wish that I were 7-years old again!  It was at that age that I discovered the magickal world around me.  It was that age that I learned to ride a bicycle (which she is ALSO struggling to learn right now).  It was at that age that I discovered the faery world residing in my own back yard and how grateful I am that even now, 50 years later!!, the faery world STILL exists for me.  Hee-hee, wanna see how a 7-year old looks with a chocolate (YES, I said CHOCOLATE!) face mask on?  Just look below.  That's my youngest daughter (19) and the granddaughter with matching "masks".  The daughter works at a cosmetic/beauty esthetics company and she came home last night with these facial mask samples.  And oh how it scared the devil out of our dog!  Hilarious!

My two darling girls....granddaughter's mama is pretty too! AND a model!!!

Well, hope everyone has a good week, what's left of it.  I just wish I had my PSP & Incredimail!

Brightest blessings and Goddess blessings!!!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Auspicious Day 10-10-10 is supposed to be an auspicious day.  If you happen to be a follower of numerology like I am, then you will know what I mean.  This "timing" will not occur again until 100 years from now and I am guessing that none of us will be around then ha-ha!  Numerology....something that has fascinated me ever since I was a girl.  Numbers themselves truly fascinate me, although I am DEFINITELY no "math wiz" - NEVER have been!  I truly sucked at anything mathematical all during my school years, yet for some reason certain number combinations have always meant something to me.  Always looking for "deeper meanings" I guess.  According to those "who know", the combination of 10-10-10 is a highly spiritual thing.  Some folks are panicking that today we will have computer meltdowns, like they did in 1999 with their worries of Y2K.  Now I WILL have to admit that as December 1999 came, I TOO was one of those "worry-warts".  In 1999, our livelihood depended upon my computer being free from any such worries.  At that time, I had a home-based medical transcription service going and combined with hubby's income, I will have to admit to having a pretty good income.  So I was truly worried that at 12:01 on 1-1-2000 my computer would suddenly stop functioning and then where would I be??  Waaaaa...!!  Of course, not a damn thing "happened" and life went on as usual.

Not only was I worried about any possible computer woes for myself, I was also worried that the world computers would shut down; thereby causing problems with food supplies and utilities function.  I literally stocked up on all kinds of canned goods, dry milk (YECHH!), you name it.  My hubby and daughters laughed their butts off at Mama (me) and my own mama at the time told me I was only borrowing trouble.  *Sighs*...there in her message was the answer.  I have always been one to "borrow trouble".  I "try" to make it sound like...."Get prepared and then if nothing happens, so be it".  For years I lived like that, always borrowing trouble.  Only in these last 3 or so years have I FINALLY learned to quit thinking like that and finally achieve a happier way of living.

So, you may ask, "Did trouble ever come knocking?"  Oh hell yes, it DID.  It rather amuses me to think that when I finally did quit "borrowing it", it hit.  One of those Confucious sayings is "May you always live in interesting times"....let me tell ya, do NOT think that saying is a GOOD one ha-ha!  Indeed, "interesting times" in MY case have meant the loss of our family home to foreclosure and too much other loss.  BUT....I have learned that one can never plan for the future, one HAS to live in the moment - at least day to day - and that one CAN manage to survive with VERY damn little!  There is SO much "freedom" in finally believing that!  No matter what "religion" one believes in, or what one was raised in or what one thought for 50+ years, there still is in the essential core of ALL of us that tiny spark that says "I will NOT give up and I WILL get by".  And "when the going gets tough, the tough get going".....that, my friends, I will remain true to.

May your day today be a very auspicious one.  Was hoping hubby would hit it big on the online slots today but apparently, he didn't LMAO!  Oh well...someone somewhere probably did and blessings to THEM!

Brightest blessings to all of you....

Friday, October 8, 2010

Witchy & Proud Of It

So on Wednesday, we made our weekly grocery shopping trip and this time went to Wal-Mart as I had to get a prescription refilled also.  Whilst waiting on the refill, daughter (Katie) and I perused the Halloween isles and my eyes immediately were drawn to this:

Probably not a very good photo of it, but it's a door hanger and I LOVE it!  And it will stay on the door handle going into my computer room/library all year round.  I also posted it as my Facebook profile pic ha-ha....with the comment that it "speaks volumes".  Indeed, to those of us in the Pagan/Wiccan community, we're rightly "put out" (to say it mildly) regarding the recent antics of one Christine O'Donnell.  She is NOT "me" and thank God/Goddess above, she will never be me!  I am proud to be a 57-year old grandmother of one beautiful girlchild named Aradia (and if you wonder where that name came from, do your research!) who is now 7 years old and the love and light of my life.  I am proud to be a mama to 2 beautiful daughters, one 31 and one 19, and I adore my husband.  We've been married since 1989 and even though our life together has been fraught with ups and downs, mostly in the financial realm, we're still together.  Our love has never diminished and I pray to all the powers that be that it never will.  We've had a lot of loss in our lives; what with losing my "ancestral home" recently earlier this year to foreclosure (thank you so damn much Republicans!) because most all union jobs of any kind from 2007 until 2010 have been non-existent.  We lost the first baby of "our union" back in 1989 but were blessed of course with our now 19-year old daughter.  So many family members have passed on to their "reward" - my Mama, my sister, my brother; hubby's daddy and 2 brothers - all in the course of the last 15 years.  Have we known hardship and grief?  Oh yes we have.  Both of us suffer with chronic medical conditions - hubby had his first heart attack at age 41 with emergency stent placement, last summer he almost lost his left eye in an accident in the backyard and just recently underwent surgery to correct that; I had that brain tumor mentioned in my last post with subsequent problems and recently, was worked up for possible MS (multiple sclerosis) which causes me a LOT of problems.  But we are still together and still love each other.  Our faith has been challenged so many times; indeed, mine now to the point where I'm not sure where my "faith" lies.  But we are still together!  So no, Christine O'Donnell, you are NOT me and if I resided in your state of Delaware, you would never in a million years "represent me"!

Sheesh...enough of my ranting.  But it just seems that here lately, and especially this week, the entire Pagan/Wiccan community has come under fire in the various media for some reason or another.  I'm so disgusted with the whole shitamarie!

In any case, my dear little witchy up above will remain on my door throughout the year.  She's fantastic!

Brightest blessings everyone!

Monday, October 4, 2010

October, Finally Here

October, my favorite month of the year.  The skies have been so clear blue the last few days, the wind blows thru my chimes on the porch (I'm sure the fae folk are happy), the air is so crisp (and sometimes downright cold) but clean.  Makes old witchy woman so happy!

After reading a friend's blog online tonight of her experience with breast cancer 2 years ago, I feel compelled to "journal" some of my own experiences.  Many years ago, in 1992 and right before my youngest daughter's first birthday, I was stricken with a brain tumor.  Thankfully, it was "benign" but still I had to undergo emergency surgery because the tumor itself was causing something called "localized seizures" (sometimes referred to as Jacksonian seizures).  It had all started somewhat curiously with first a tingling then numbness in my right big toe, the numbness spread upward towards my knee and I then started noting a tendency for my right knee to "give out" suddenly and without warning.  I was also experiencing continuous headaches at the time but had chalked those up to "stress".  Stress that summer had been quite high.  I was the mother of a 13-year old daughter (you know how those teenage hormones are), the stepmother to an 8-year old daughter (who was VERY jealous) who had been with us throughout that whole summer before going back to her mother, and then the "new mom" to a beautiful almost 1-year old daughter.  We had what I humorously called a "his-hers-ours" family.  Meanwhile, I was trying to maintain my part-time job as a medical transcriptionist to help in our family's finances, my hubby was working as a union sheet-metal worker and not around much during the days that summer to assist in the upbringing of our girls.  A lot of stress, which like I said, I was using as an excuse for the headaches.  I thought that most of the stress was being caused by the stepdaughter (unfortunately we had experienced an earlier problem when she tried to bite the baby's finger off...literally!...saying she "didn't know what happened" - yeah right!); so I thought that with her departure, so would go the headaches.  They didn't leave, of course, and then the right foot-knee problems set in.  At that time, I was working for an orthopedic surgeon whom I had known for quite a few years and "trusted his judgment".  When I had a rather cursory and quick exam by him, he said "I don't know what your problem is, but I'm going on vacation and we'll check into it when I get back in 2 weeks".  *Sighs*.  The weirdest thing was that the reflex in my knee was HYPERACTIVE (and still IS!) as opposed to "normal".  That in itself should have been a sign to him that something neurologically was going wrong but I guess he was too concerned with his upcoming vacation (that's what happens when you actually "work" for doctors).  So, I plodded along until the following Monday.  Hubby had been "laid off work" - usual condition for us thru all these years - and I had gone out to my car to start it up to go to work.  I couldn't "find" the gas pedal with my foot.  And when I did finally "find it", I couldn't keep it in place on the pedal.  I knew that there was NO way I could drive like that!  So I got back inside, told hubby what was going on, and fearful that something VERY bad was indeed happening, got on the phone and called the clinic where I used to work as a medical secretary for 10 years and asked to make an appointment that very WEEK with the head surgeon (I was his secretary).  That was all on Monday, my appointment was on Friday.  I had to call in work and tell them I couldn't come in.  So for the next 4 days (and hubby went back to work that week), I stayed home; finding it increasingly difficult to even walk across the room.  My baby daughter had still not learned to walk yet, and I was SO fearful of dropping her when I had to carry her.  Those few days were spent with her mostly with me sitting on the floor and playing with her down there; and literally crawling across the floor in order to accomplish any other necessities of life.

Friday finally comes, my MIL was taking care of the baby, and hubby and I went to the doctor.  When I told the doctor all of my symptoms and he himself examined me, I could tell that he TOO knew that something neurologic was going on.  So he sent me downstairs to Radiology for a CAT scan with dye.  I was to come back upstairs afterwards for the results.  Scan was done without incident, at first.  We went back upstairs, and while waiting in the hallway of the clinic to be called into an exam room, suddenly I felt a jerking of my right foot.  It got worse and worse, the jerking and just TERRIBLE sensation started climbing upwards, and I was scared out of my mind.  I started telling hubby, "Something's HORRIBLY wrong...I need help NOW!"  The jerking and terrible feeling got worse, in my mind I was thinking if it climbed any higher I would no longer be able to BREATHE, and by this time I was literally SCREAMING at the top of my voice, "Help me, help me!"  The nurses rushed over and with Frank's (hubby) help, got me into an exam room and onto the exam table.  By this time, I could barely make sense but I saw the kind doctor rush into the room and he ordered an immediate injection of Dilantin to stop the seizing.  Boy, did THAT work wonders!  He then proceeded to tell me that unfortunately he had bad news....the CAT scan revealed a tumor which had to come out immediately.  The seizures had probably been caused by the severe swelling the tumor was causing (thus causing the headaches too) and the CAT scan dye had "tickled" the tumor into causing the seizures.

What I didn't know, and he had no way of knowing beforehand, was that my entire right leg was numb.  I didn't know this until I went to get down off the exam table and having no sense of proprioception (space & time sensation) within my right foot, my foot had actually curled under itself and when getting down instead of stepping squarely on the sole of my foot normally, I apparently tried stepping down on TOP of my foot.  I cracked my ankle on top of the brain tumor.  Damn!  After he, Frank & the nurses finally got me into a freaking wheelchair, he went out of the room to make phone calls up the street (UAB Medical Center) to the head neurosurgeon there.  I was to go immediately up there, not even wait to go home and see my baby! and come back later, to be admitted for surgery the next morning.  Gawdalmighty, I was so damn scared!  But I tried to main calmness so as not to frighten hubby any more than possible.  I had him wheel me to the phone station at the nursing desk so I could call my Mama and let her know what was going on.  She's gone now, to Heaven or as some call it, the Summerlands; she herself dying of a high-grade astrocytoma (brain tumor) 10 years after my own.  But I can still recall the horror I heard in her voice that day and how I choked up on the phone.  You know, if you were ever close to your mother as I was, how the little girl in you still calls out to "mama" in the depths of your own fear, uncertainty and horror.  How I wish she were still here with me!

But back to "my story"....someday I will relate my "mother's story" *smiles*.  So hubby and I drive down the street to the neurosurgeon's office.  They got me admitted to the hospital and I was to undergo an MRI of my brain.  Hubby had to leave me, in order to check on our baby girl - Katie - and make sure that my oldest daughter - Tiffany - was made aware of the goings on and that she could stay with my mama.  Well, in 1992, MRI scans were still fairly new "inventions", and UAB was proud to boast that they had the best state-of-the-art kind.  I guess they did; all I know is that unfortunately NO ONE bothered to inform ME that it was going to be the loudest "ride of my life".  Early on, they didn't bother to offer a patient ear plugs which is now of course common practice.  It literally scared the SH** out me.  Didn't help matters either that one has to lie perfectly still throughout the ordeal.  By this time, with Frank's departure, I felt that I could finally cry and squall to my heart's content.  Utmost worry???  That I had CANCER, that I would DIE before even seeing my baby girl take her first steps and so on!  And I knew that my oldest daughter, age 13, also needed me at this crucial time in HER life.  OMG, I prayed so hard during that entire noisy ordeal, that God would let me live at least long enough to see my "baby" graduate high school and be able to take care of herself.  

He/She "God/Goddess" heard my prayers that day, I'm still alive these 18 years later, albeit with a few "side effects" of the brain tumor.  My "baby" DID graduate high school this past Spring; and my oldest daughter made me the proud "granny" of a beautiful now 7-year old girlchild named after the Queen of the Witches herself - Aradia:)  I still have a lot of those "side effects" I mentioned up above, but I AM still here.  I will go into more "postoperative" details, if you're interested (and if you're not, I don't give a d**n ha-ha!) in another post, on another day.  This one has proved to be too lengthy tonight anyway!

Brightest blessings...

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I SOOOO Love Halloween!

And I just had to add this countdown ticker (see below).  Fantastic artwork going on here, I'm so impressed *smiles*.  Halloween to me is the very best of all the holidays.  Christmas or Yule as some prefer to call it has been far too stressful on old witchy woman these last 8 years or so.  Thanksgiving is just as bad.  Eating good food is great ha-ha, but for me there are just far too many "missing faces" i.e. family members gone on to their greater rewards and it just depresses me too much.  All that, plus the fact that for the last 3-4 years we've been broke as hell most of the time and I feel inadequate in not being able to buy gifts for even my daughters (one year couldn't even buy for the granddaughter...sheesh!).  Hubby and I long ago gave up trying to buy anything for each other...we are grateful if there's a little bit left just to buy the girls something.  Like I said, those holidays are depressing in so many ways.  But HALLOWEEN...a whole different story!

I've been collecting tons of decorations for inside and outside for the last 30+ years.  Every year have tried to add even a tiny wee thing to the collection.  And hubby likes Halloween too, he enjoys doing all the outside decorating.  Secretly, I think he is an old pagan at heart too....just like me....although he'd never admit it in a million years.  I can tell that he's still somewhat "uneasy" about my new turn-around in my "faith practices".  And it doesn't help that I'm not completely "decided" about which path in life I want to take either.  *Sighs*....well my very best friend online is Wiccan (and my oldest daughter is too) and both of them have told me that I'm just gonna have to find my own path whatever that may be.  I realize that to the Wiccan world, there's no such thing as holding on to "christian faith" in addition to studying can't be a part of both worlds.  But I say, "Why the hell NOT?"  Who makes the rules?  Seriously, I doubt that the Goddess and God (even the Hebrew god and His son Jesus whom I still very much believe in) would have any problem with me and what I'm believing.  *Sighs*...more contemplation for another day perhaps!

But anyway....Halloween is on its way and I can't wait!!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

"The best and most wonderful things in this world cannot be seen or even touched; they must be felt with the heart." Author Unknown

I found this quote tonight and would love to know who wrote it.  It speaks volumes to me, to my heart, and I thought it befitting for my very first post here on Blogger *smiles*.  I'm new at this blogging thing, I've had a website for years devoted to pixel art - Scrub's Scribblings - and am used to working with a C-Panel so this blogger thing can be confusing.  But there you go, so many times everything in my life is confusing and I muddle thru anyway!  I hope to devote this blog to the "ramblings" that spring out of my mind and heart.  So much in my life has changed this year of 2010, and in doing so I made a lot of other personal changes.  Still toddling along life's highway one day at a time, trying to find my "new path"!